right yet wrong.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I had been together for exactly 13 months.
Yesterday was also the day we broke up.

I have never done this before.
I have never been heartbroken.
I have never felt the sorrow of loosing a best friend so drastically.
I have never cried myself to sleep because of a boy.
Just a stupid boy.

Anyhow, it happened. Tomorrow is the very first day of my Christmas Holiday.
So I have to keep myself busy for two weeks before school starts again.
Because of this, I figured I wanted to write this whole process down. See what happens.

Yesterday I cried a lot. And I took all the things he ever gave me and put them in a bag and put them away. I don't want to throw anything away, since it wasn't a bad break-up. And I really, really, hope we can be friends again in the future. Maybe even close friends, but I just have to wait and see about that. And then another of my best friends came over. And things got better. We laughed. And cried. But we did it together. After she left I listened to Bruno Mars "Count On Me" and started crying again. And I wrapped some Christmas presents and felt the lump in my throat as the last thing we had done together, he and I, was buying this present for a friend of ours, and I had to sign the present from both of us. Probably the last time I will write our names together for a long time. I also changed my status on facebook. I wonder when people will start noticing.

Today I went to school. Everything went okay, the only problem was that I walked around being perpetually nauseous. It was the final day, and since I'm a part of the choir, I spent most of my time there practicing. But I also spent some time with my classmates. But he wasn't there. He didn't show up. And I really wish that he had. So I could return one of his shirts and a book I had borrowed. And to sort of confirm the break-up by seeing him, talking to him while both of us knows it's over. But I still had some fun. And I think I got myself a new friend. So that was great. When school ended some other girls and me ate Christmas porridge and watched Christmas movies. All the time, none of them knew, and I sort of forgot. And that was great. I think I'm going to be fine, really. I  just know that I'm really gonna miss him.
Then I came home and his mum texts me. And I feel that lump in my throat again because she is really nice, and wanted to give me a hug and say Merry Christmas. She also said she had a Christmas gift for me, and I have one for her, so she said she would drop by some time. I wonder how it will be seeing her again. Everything is so different and it sucks. I really hate that I won't not see her so often any more, because she is really, really nice. And a really cool mum.

Now I'm listening to "Count on Me" and "Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran.
Over and over again.
And I still feel that lump.

I know that the right think to do was to break things off, even though it's not really how I feel right now. I just don't understand how something that is supposedly right can feel so wrong.
Everything just feels so wrong.
Breaking up.
Him not being my best friend anymore.
Or friend at all.

It just really sucks. And I hate it.
And the worst part is that I still really care about him and I still love him so, so much.

I'm glad Christmas is coming around. Everything is busy when it is Christmas. I think I need busy.